Opinion: Anne Turner, Ted Gulick, Satan, and the sermon from hell

This is another late-breaking opinion piece from your pal, Stinkbomb, who had the misfortune of watching the Celebration of a Renewed Ministry at Grace Episcopal Alexandria last night, which involved Ted Gulick, who officiated, and Anne Turner, who flung holy water on everyone there but herself. Editor Eric Bonetti is out, doing tests to hopefully become a living kidney donor. So proud of this guy.

I posted my reactions to Gulick’s noisy message in comments last night. After a night of tossing and turning, caused by bashing my head off a brick wall until I felt better, I’m more irritated than ever by Gulick’s offensive comments. And that’s what I’m writing about.

(By the way, if you want to share my pain, the link about has a recorded copy of the service. But you’ll have to find your own brick wall.)

For starters, the title is wrong: Anne may be back, but nothing is renewed yet. That comes from Anne’s own conduct.

Speaking of, one aspect of the Christian faith was conspicuously absent during the service: Anne Turner showed no sign of remorse, repentance, or accountability. It didn’t come up.

Not exactly a good start.

For the record, I’m far more interested in hearing from Anne, than a member of the Pointy Hats Club.

And it won’t surprise you that, having gotten off to a rocky start with the misleading label for the service, things proceeded in true Episcopal fashion, spiraling rapidly downhill.

Satan did it

First, we experienced Grandpa Ted Gulick loudly bloviating about Satan, aka my buddy Stan, attacking Grace.

That’s a problem, not just because because I don’t believe in Satan. Not the comic-strip Satan with horns and a tail. Nor the fallen angel kind. Or any other kind, for that matter.

Why don’t I believe in Satan? Mainly because he’s an excuse for bad behavior. As in, “Guh, Satan made me do it. Bad Satan, bad! Get behind me dude or I’ll sic Jaysus on you!”

But my views notwithstanding, Satan got the short end of the stick last night. In fact, he took the hit for the debacle at Grace even though the real culprit is none other than Anne Turner.

Being Satan isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

To be clear, Anne didn’t entirely go it alone. She had help from a toxic culture at Grace Episcopal and from within the Diocese. Both taught Anne that it’s okay to meet your own needs; just keep things looking pretty on Sunday, and you’re golden.

In fact, that’s a page right out of the Bob Malm playbook, as in, “I can do whatever I want, as long as I smile and talk purty to peeps on Sunday.” And for the record, even other clergy say of Bob, and I quote, “He’s been getting away with murder for years.”

Doesn’t work that way. Christianity is what we do, not what we say. Nor are clergy entitled to special privileges. The days are over when people are willing to overlook bad behavior because some knucklehead roams around in a collar—and rightly so.

Trashing the complainant is evil

Then, we get to Gulick’s suggestion that Satan used the guise of church order and discipline to attack Grace. In other words, he accused the woman who complained about Anne of being in league with Satan.

Folks, this is outrageous, a lie, unethical, and worse.

In fact, maybe I should re-think my view on Satan.

Persons hurt by the church are not evil when they tell us of their experiences. They are not minions of Satan, his employees, his independent contractors, or his BFFs. They’re not even golfing, cycling, or gym buddies.

That’s the case, even if the person hurt by the church is someone:

• We don’t like.
• With whom we don’t agree.
• We think is angry or disgruntled.

In fact, if the church — that would be us — hurts someone and they become angry or disgruntled, that doesn’t discredit the person who’s been hurt. It doesn’t undercut what they have to say, or what they say or do. It discredits us, the church. In other words, if they are angry and disgruntled, it’s doubly important that we hear what they say and then act on that information. 

That’s what Jesus would do.

And blaming someone for being a truth-teller is about as far from Christianity are you can get. Jesus was a truth-teller, and he wasn’t super patient with hypocrites. So for Gulick to invoke the person who came forward in this matter with Satan in the same sentence is profoundly offensive.

Indeed, when people come forward, they do the church a favor. Those who hurt Jesus and hurt the church are those who say:

• I don’t want to get involved.
• That couldn’t be true.
• I wasn’t involved.
• That happened before I got here.
• S/he’s angry and disgruntled (implication: so I don’t have to take them seriously).
• There’s only so much I can do.
• I don’t want to get in the middle.

Or, a favorite at Grace Church: “Well, they [fill in your favorite sin leveler. Examples: Did something I don’t like. Cross their eyes at little old ladies. Showed up late for the food pantry last night. Ordered the wrong color altar flowers.].

Sorry folks, sin is not an exercise in double-entry bookkeeping.

Grace came together to ward off Satan

Then we come to Gulick’s bit about how the church came together to ward off Satan’s fiery blasts. That’s horses***.

Satan didn’t get Anne in trouble, and he didn’t stir things up afterward. He was too busy playing golf with Bob Malm. In fact, inside sources say Satan is the better golfer of the two, but I digress.

Turmoil within the church is the result of two things:

1. Anne’s toxic behavior.
2. A toxic culture within the parish.

Nor am I impressed by the church’s response. Yes, folks at Grace are a little bit better behaved than they were under Bob Malm, but that’s a damned low standard. Certainly, any incremental improvement we see is not enough to ward off The Evil One. And seeing real integrity and health at Grace will take decades.

So, Gulick’s twaddle about the church coming together in Grace is another layer of lies. Indeed, a quick review of faces in the pews last night suggests many have, with good reason, left the parish. What’s left is the nomenklatura, the circle of insiders who form the backbone of any church and who would show up on Sunday, even in a blizzard.

But even that group is looking alarmingly thin.

Claiming Grace banded together to ward off Satan is dangerously unhelpful

It’s also dangerously misleading: The issue at hand is about individual and collective behavior within the church, not about circling the wagons while Satan dashes around outside, flinging fiery darts and threatening to set fire to the wagons.

Indeed, in true Episcopal fashion, the church conflates victim and perpetrator. Anne is the perpetrator in the immediate situation. As such, she needs to make restitution and regain trust. The parish and many outside the parish are the victims of her behavior. The parish owes Anne nothing, and in its rush to seek reconciliation, the parish forgets it has no obligation to pursue reconciliation. Not to mention, the church has lots to do to repair broken relationships where it is the perpetrator, rather than the victim.

Not that Grace Church will ever have the integrity to reach out to seek reconciliation with those it has hurt. 

Specifically, the narcissistic bullying, gossiping, speculation, and notion that if someone does something I don’t like, it’s okay to shun them. Or flip them the bird. Or take them to court and lie about them. (Bob Malm and Jeff Chiow, that would be you.)

Then we get to assholes in the parish who brush off abuse or claim it’s a “bunch of trash,” even though they have zero firsthand knowledge. (Cynthia Puskar).

That’s not how Christianity works, and I saw several people at last night’s service, wearing their churchy nice smiles, who are guilty of these antics.

Happy-clappy Jesus babble, served up warm

But hey, don’t sweat it. It’s all good. Do you know why?

Because Grandpa Ted, ever hyperactive, led everyone through a noisy, feel-good exercise of reciting the Baptismal Covenant, combined with some really cheesy narrative. In other words, he slapped a thick, gooey layer of happy-clappy Jesus babble on top of a stinky crock of goo and called it a day. In fact, we can all feel good about ourselves now: we said the Magic Words.

Sorry to drop another bit of smelly news on you, but that’s not how it works. Talk is cheap, while actions count. Something about knowing the truth and being set free by the truth.

Telling the truth

So, let’s give Satan a pass and take a truthful approach to this unholy mess:

• Satan’s got nothing to do with things at Grace.
• Anne Turner is toxic. She cheats on her husband, lies to her parishioners, and has zero backbone. It sounds minor to clueless Grace folks, I know, but the reality is it doesn’t get much worse than this.
• Anne could change, but it’s unlikely. As a Christian, I believe all persons can change. I believe all persons have within them what the Quakers call the Inner Light. But at the same time, Anne has shown us who she is — manipulative, dishonest, immoral, lacking in accountability and courage, taking the easy way out. Behavior that should be out of the question for Anne is far too often normative.
• Grace Church is toxic. Many in the diocese, both clergy and laity, know it. Indeed, when the parish was looking for Bob Malm’s replacement, countless well-qualified clergy members took one look at the parish profile and laughed. Yes, good pay, a big parish, and a nice location, but in the immortal words of Holly Hollerith, “I wouldn’t touch that with a 1000-foot pole.” At least Hollerith and I have that in common—you couldn’t pay me to apply, even though I’m good at growing a church, have a large Hispanic population in my church, and speak several languages. 
• Graceites don’t and won’t see that they and the parish are toxic. Running around their badly maintained English Country Gothic heap, we couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t be harmful. But you are Blanche, you are.
• Most church members conflate their faith with doing church. As a result, they don’t see any disconnect between their purported faith and bad behavior. Think trashing other church members, flipping them the bird (Lisa Medley, Jay Legere), lying in court (yeah, Chiow and Malm), urging folks to commit suicide (Lucy Medley), or lying to fellow parishioners and playing Mean Girl Games (Jan Spence, Lisa Medley, Alison Campbell.) Nor do they see a problem with the vestry lying to members (Rich Kelly).
• Church members think bad behavior is okay. After all, they say to themselves, our clergy do it. Think Bob Malm (bullying, lying, abusing power, possible embezzlement, taking unauthorized leave aka wage theft), Leslie Stephensen (lying about parishioners), and Anne Turner (lying to parishioners, adultery, wage theft).
• Church leaders are not open to criticism. Several folks I know are leaving or have left Grace Church after getting snippy, passive-aggressive responses from so-called leaders in the church. (Pro tip: When your priest says, “I’ll be praying for you, usually what she means is, “eff you and the horse you rode in on.” Alternative: “Thank you for sharing.” And you really did an endo if you get, “Wishing you every blessing” or something similar. The appropriate response for those who didn’t get the memo is, “I’d love to understand your concerns better. Do you have time to grab coffee?”

So, Grandpa Ted did folks a grave/grace disservice with his sermon.

What should Grandpa Ted have said last night?

That brings up the question: What should His Eminence have said last night?

The message is pretty simple.

1. Acknowledge the hurt. It’s normal to have a range of reactions in response to betrayal by someone we trust: anger, sadness, depression, and loss of faith are just a few. Sometimes, we experience emotions that may seem irrational, like relief that the matter has come to light. These are all normal and appropriate.
2. Tell the truth. As Christians, we are called to bring lightness to the dark. So, forget about Old Scratch. Satan had nothing to do with it. We’re obligated to tell the truth, even when it’s easier to sit silent. And we are obligated to learn from our mistakes.
3. Name our faults. Part of learning and growing is reflecting on our own faults. Yes, Anne has integrity issues, among other things. But what do we see in our church that needs to improve? Can we name those things? What do we see in ourselves? If we’re honest, it’s a long list for most of us. I am no exception.
4. Acknowledge the long road ahead of us. The truth is we have a long way to go. Building a healthy culture at Grace will take years of work. We cannot leave the skeletons in the closet or say, “Well, that happened before I got here.” Just like the US general who said, “You fight a war with the army you have, not the one you wish you had,” you build God’s Kingdom with the church you have, not the one you wish you had. And it does no one any good to pretend there’s not a lot of hard work ahead. In Grace’s case, mucking out the caca from the Malm years will take decades.
5. Own our sins. If we want to avoid cheap Grace (or, as Bob Malm likes to say, “Well, I said I’m sorry.), we have to own our mistakes and work to fix them. Real repentance involves going beyond identifying and naming our misconduct; it includes renouncing our behavior, making restitution (which is far more than an apology), and fixing the damage we’ve caused. Many times, that consists of putting ourselves in the shoes of the other person and asking how we’d feel if we were on the receiving end of things. In my experience with Grace, folks there are more worried about their own needs, desires, and opinions versus caring for the other person. What I have rarely seen in the parish — and recall that I have several well-placed sources who attend the church to this day — is love for God or one another.
6. Do it now. Christians, especially in the Episcopal Church, love to put off unpleasant things. But the longer we put things off, the harder they are to fix. And shi**y behavior at Grace Church goes back decades. So why are people sitting on their hands? What’s wrong with picking up the phone and saying, “I owe you an apology. Would you be open to meeting in person?” It’s actually not that hard to do, but folks at Grace would never dream of doing this. Admitting to bad behavior?! Good heavens, what next? We might even wind up with some outcasts in our pews! For the record, the worst that could happen is the other person says no. But at least then we’ve tried, and if we are sincere, the other person knows the door is always open for future conversation.

Grandpa Ted meant well

So, I’ll grant that Grandpa Ted meant well. But his sermon was unhelpful, dishonest, and, in places, extremely offensive. He owes an apology to several people, but I’ll bloody well eat my bike helmet if he ever does that.

If nothing else, those who complain about abuse — including Anne Turner’s adultery — are not working in cahoots with Satan. He’s off in Massachusetts, playing golf with Bob Malm and, like Shannon Johnston, doesn’t want to get involved.

Why are bishops so friggin’ stupid and corrupt? And why can’t the Episcopal Church — or Grace Parish — clean up their acts? Show a little introspection? Be accountable? Act like adults, versus a bunch of obnoxious middle school kids.

I wish I knew the answers.

So glad I’ll never be a bishop.