Rev. Dr. Jon Payne of Christ Church Presbyterian (PCA) in South Carolina Accused of Physical, Psychological, Sexual, and Spiritual Abuse by His Former Fiancée

“As long as [man] does not convert it into action, it does not matter how much he thinks about this new repentance… Wallow in it… Write a book about it; that is often an excellent way of sterilizing the seeds which [Heavenly Father] plants in a human soul… Do anything but act. No amount of piety in his imagination and affections will harm [the cause of evil] if [it is kept] out of his will… The more often he feels without acting, the less he will ever be able to act, and, in the long run, the less he will be able to feel.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters”

Update 07.01.23: At the very end of the post, Todd found a current audio clip by Jon Payne that is startlingly relevant to his own actions as outlined in this post.

I think these Biblical verses set the theme for this post about a young woman who attended the youth group of Christ Covenant Church in Matthews, NC, who was sexually assaulted and spiritually abused by a now well-established PCA pastor who had formerly been the youth pastor at Christ Covenant Church in Matthews, NC. Kevin DeYoung is now the pastor of that church, but Harry Reeder was the pastor at that time.

The following verses speak for themselves. Things done in the dark by this pastor are now coming to light.

Luke 8:17 NIV 

For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.

Luke 12:2-3 NIV

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. ³ What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.

The victim is Elisha Boggs, and her abuser, Rev.Dr. Jon D. Payne is now the pastor of Christ Church Presbyterian (PCA) in Charleston, South Carolina.

He serves as Executive Coordinator of the Gospel Reformation Network, and is on the council of the Twin Lakes Fellowship.

(He) is also on the Board of Trustees for Westminster Presbyterian Theological Seminary, Newcastle, England, and the Banner of Truth Trust, Edinburgh, Scotland. He was also recently appointed as Adjunct Professor of Pastoral Theology at Westminster Theological Seminary in Philadelphia.

The early years

In Elisha’s own words:

I was 17 years old. He was the youth pastor at Christ Covenant and he also did a lot of work with my high school, Charlotte Christian School. He was the speaker at the retreat for my senior class. We both worked in different positions for Mission Athletes International Charlotte Eagles Soccer Club. In each of these roles, he was a spiritual leader.

I felt like he paid me special attention, yes. He took me and my friend to lunch one day. When I was a freshman in college, he did contact me. He wrote me letters at King University, I still have two.

At the time, she was attracted to him. I want to emphasize an important point. Most, if not all, teenage girls develop crushes on older men, which may include youth leaders. Teachers in high schools are well aware of this tendency. It is, therefore, essential to have people in spiritual leadership who do not take advantage of this situation.

They connected and began a whirlwind romance which ended in an engagement.

I was deeply affected by Elisha’s deep and innocent love for Jon. I teared up as I read the long letter of her romance because I knew what was coming.

Over a year passed before I saw Jon again. I was still in college and doing quite well. I heard that Jon had moved to Charleston, South Carolina to play soccer but that was all.

…I planned a trip to Charleston in early April to run a race and visit with my father for the first time in over four years. I decided to write Jon a letter to let him know I was going to be in Charleston, but really did not think he would respond. When I received a letter from him, I was silly with excitement. I called the number he gave to me and we planned a lunch date. As I anticipated meeting with Jon, I thought about how wonderful it would be to finally be alone with the man I had adored for so long.  Because Jon was six years older than me, I wanted to appear as mature as possible.

…I was shocked when Jon called only days after I returned from Charleston. We talked for quite some time about everything and nothing. We decided that I would come down to spend some time with him in Charleston the following weekend. That was the first of six trips I took to see my beloved Jon.

…We talked about our faith a lot, since it was the most important part of our lives. He seemed to have an infinite amount of knowledge about the word of God, which greatly impressed me at that time. When I would leave to come home, he would pray for me and for us.

…The last weekend I went to Charleston to see Jon (less than twwo months later) I went to help him move his things back to Charlotte where he would play for the Charlotte Eagles.

… He asked me to read a proverb, which said, “He who finds a wife find a good thing.” This confused me momentarily, especially when I looked up to see him down on one knee. I knew what was happening, but the words still shocked me. He said, “Marry me.” I was stunned and said nothing, so he said it again. “Elisha, I know this is quick, but I love everything about you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?” Everything seemed to be spinning at a hundred miles an hour. I wanted to pinch my skin to make sure it was real, but I knew deep down it was really happening. I was young, I was naive, and I was infatuated. I said, “YES!” He opened a box and there, right in front of me was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen.

Jon left Charleston and moved in with Elisha’s grandparents.

Everyone at home was happy about the engagement, or so I thought. We had several mutual friends who were surprised to find out that we were engaged. A few people took me aside and said that they did not think I knew Jon well enough to marry him, but I just thought they were jealous because he was mine. SLowly I realized just how right they were.

My grandparents said he could move in with them until he was able to find a job.

The beginning of the spiritual abuse of Elisha by Jon indicated the physical and sexual abuse to come. He becomes a “Reformed nightmare.”

He called her immature and denigrated the faith of her family, which coincided with the start of his classes at Reformed Seminary. Elisha began to contemplate ending the relationship but didn’t. Elisha told me and mentioned in her writings that she viewed Jon as a spiritual leader. After all, he was a youth pastor and attending seminary. Because of this belief, she would continue the relationship, with disastrous results. This set up the relationship with an unequal power dynamic.

Jon began to attack me verbally. He let me know that he thought I was immature and not exactly who he had expected me to be when he put the diamond on my finger. He chose to love only parts of me and tried to change the rest. Jon was taking classes at a reformed seminary. He suddenly felt that he needed to let me know that my faith was weak and that my family needed to change our theological beliefs. When he questioned my sister’s salvation because she did not know a lot about theology, I felt like someone had stabbed my heart. Not only did he try to convince me that my mother was deceived in her Christian beliefs, but he challenged my grandfather’s charismatic method of preaching and teaching despite the fact that my grandfather has been an influential spiritual leader for thousands of people.

He was closed to any view that was remotely contrary to his and refused to accept my way of worship. He would not even worship with me at my church, although I willingly and enthusiastically went to his church every Sunday. He never wanted to be corrected, but always had corrections to give. He became a reformed nightmare. Despite the fact that he boldly proclaimed his errorless faith, he had no idea how to practice it. Our relationship began to deteriorate as I gave every bit of my love to him and received nothing in return. As much as he said that he honored and respected me, he failed to do so with his actions. He made promises that he did not keep and crossed boundaries that we, as a couple, had set. I finally gave up and threw away the dignity and respect I had for myself, desperately hoping to make the situation better.

Sexual and physical abuse at the hands of Jon Payne. Trigger Warning: Graphic Descriptors involving sexual abuse.

Here are some of Elisha’s memories of sexual and physical assault during her engagement with Jon Payne. Note how confidently she speaks to him of these disturbing memories. She knows they are true. Note that these allegations cover the gamut of abuse: physical, psychological, sexual, and spiritual. Although I call them “allegations,” I believe they are true. Please pay attention to Elisha’s description of her response to these attacks. “Unable to move, frozen, didn’t know what to do,” etc.

I give you back the memories seared in my mind – my nightmares for 25 years.

1. We were walking down the hallway at my grandparents, where you lived. I gave you a place to live and you used that place to violate me and to violate my family. As we walked down the hall,  you turned on me, without saying anything, grabbed my shoulders and pinned me to the wall. You held me there and aggressively kissed me. I was stuck. You let go and kept walking and didn’t say anything.
2. I was at a desk in a back room at my grandparents house, where you were living. I was there cleaning because that was how I “paid” for you to stay at my grandparents. How demeaning Jon. I was wearing gray sweatpants and Adidas flops. You came up from behind me and without any words, you put your hand down my pants and stuck your finger directly inside of me. I couldn’t move. There was nothing leading up to it. There was nothing romantic about it. I stood there, unable to move. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to feel. This had never happened to me before. It felt good and it wasn’t what I wanted all at the same time. I was confused because you were my fiance but it wasn’t mutual.
3. We were at a family’s home. It was a family that you were close to from the OPC church. You had been excited about me meeting them. I do not remember if I had met them before or if this was the first meeting. I do know that we decided to watch a movie. We were on the couch with a child from the family. I was sitting to the left of you. You were sitting in the middle. You put a blanket over us. While we were watching the movie, you took my hand and put it on your genitals. You used my hand to grope yourself. You grew hard. I had not felt someone hard before and I didn’t know what to do. I was frozen. We were in a room with a family watching a movie and you had my hand on your genitals. I did not know what to do. I couldn’t move. We were in a room with other people. I was confused and I felt trapped. You used the situation to keep me silent and keep me from being able to do anything except exactly what you wanted.
4. We were at a retreat with the Charlotte Eagles. Somewhere in the mountains. It was the fall of 1997. We were sitting on a picnic table and you instigated a conversation about our physical interaction. I was relieved that you felt that we needed to back off of the intensity and that by not kissing this would help us not cross boundaries. The relief was quickly erased when you took my hand at the end of the conversation and stroked your genitals with it. Now there was no kissing, no contact except my hand on your genitals. We were in public. It was silent. I was completely confused and silenced by this.
5. I do not remember the first time it happened, but I remember being in your room at the house where you lived with other guys. We were sitting on the floor. I was upset. You had my hand on my genitals and began to undo your pants. I turned my head because I didn’t want to see anything thinking at least not seeing it until marriage was the way through this. You began to move my hand on your penis. You taught me at that point how to masturbate you. No words, only you moving your hand over my hand until you ejaculated. It was very quick. No lubricants. Not longer than 30 seconds. No other physical contact. I remember wiping my hand off on something and leaving shortly after. No discussion happened over what had happened
6. We were on an airplane flying to see your family for Thanksgiving. We were no longer engaged, but “dating”. You put a blanket over yourself. You took my hand and placed it on your genitals. There was someone sitting to the right of you and you were in the middle seat. I was on the aisle seat. In silence, you used my hand to massage your genitals while we sat in silence. We were not even engaged anymore.
7. At your parent’s home in California: I was in a room at the top of the stairs. It was a small room that wasn’t really a bedroom, but it had been made into one. This is where I was staying while we visited your parents. We were no longer engaged, but we had already planned the trip, so we went. I was in my room. You came in and I remember I was sad. We talked and I grew sadder as was often the case. We were sitting on the edge of the bed. We did not kiss anymore because you had decided that months ago. As was now the pattern, you would take my hand, put it on your genitals and begin massaging yourself. I turned away. You undid your pants, put my hand on your erect penis. At this point, I knew the drill. Masturbate you and it would be over. With no lubrication, no other touch, both fully clothed, I masturbated you while looking away. There was no asking. There was no discussion. There was only silence. You ejaculated quickly and then left the room.
8. The night that you told me we were done for good, you took me into the living room in the house where you lived. We were sitting on the floor. We had not kissed since you decided that we would not kiss, but the masturbating had continued. We did kiss that night because you were acting very thoughtful and kind and I was sure you were going to tell me we were going to move forward with our life together. This moved to moving my hand onto your genitals. You undid your pants and you masturbated yourself with my hand. Then you told me we were done.

Elisha wrote and sent her story to Jon and the elders at Christ Church Presbyterian in Charleston, SC.

Her recounting of what happened is heart-wrenching. I will include the entirety of the letter at the end of the post. Here is a portion of that letter.

You took the budding bloom and plucked her to be all your own. You forced her open, pushing petals down and out and around and telling her to be the flower she was supposed to be while pushing and plucking and prancing her about you.

She changed her degree to education. She changed her dreams to fit yours. She changed her voice to a nod that only went north and south. There was no east, there was no west, there was no turning left or right. Her adventurous spirit was forced into a tunnel. Your tunnel.

She changed her priorities, her passions, her discretions, her ideals, her purity, her mind. She changed her volume that was just now audible to silent. She changed her belief in God to a belief in a theology that you prescribed. She grew sad. She grew confused. She grew lost in your shuffle.

You had her masturbate you while telling her not to kiss you after demeaning her and telling that beautiful, strong precious girl that you were repulsed by her and that she wasn’t smart enough or religious enough for you. You even held her against a desk and then against a wall to do what you wanted to her before charging off to seminary classes.

Then you took that girl and tossed her out. But that isn’t how this story ends. That tossed out shattered girl stood up 12 hours later. She didn’t have a choice. She tried to brush off the dirt, and pick up the pieces shattered all around her and put it back together. She stood alone now. Completely alone.

She left her hometown to get away from all the places you’d taken from her and covered in your sour scent. She thought she could stay away from men and that would keep her from facing the demons you left her with. She thought she could do education because that is what she was stuck in.

But she couldn’t finish it, because now, she had been in school a year longer because of you and it was another reminder that you had held her back, held her down, kept her locked up. She needed to fly. But all of her networking was cut off and she left school with no network and no certificate and still no voice. She had to try and rebuild yet again.

She did rebuild, but she still carried the shame at what you had done. Shame at what you had forced her to do. Shame at the realization that you had smeared her, smothered her and sucked from her. You took a twenty year old pure girl and sexualized her without her consent.

You asked her to marry you because you thought that was what would be good for you. You asked a 20 year old girl, when she had barely left your youth group, to be your wife and then you spent the next eight months sexually, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusing that girl.

That girl is me.

---

The elders then responded to Elisha.

I found the Bible verses odd and out of context, especially the “brood of vipers” quote. Watch the progression of the discussion. They claim they “know” Jon because they serve with him- Bible studies, sermons, etc. But…as we know, many abusers are charismatic and can charm those around them.

• They set this up to “prove” he is now a changed man and above reproach. They know this to be true. This is to counteract the damaging testimony of Elisha.
• They threw out that he had a background check. I would assume that these men know that the vast majority of people guilty of sexual crimes “are not in the database since they have never been arrested.
• Once again, they stress there has been no hint of impropriety. Well, that’s wrong. Elisha told them that he had abused and assaulted her without her permission, which looks like a hint of impropriety to me.
• The claim that Jon repented of the following:
  -not treating Elisha with due honor and respect
  -causing her to suffer the pain of an engagement that ended.
• They did not admit that she was sexually, physically, psychologically, and spiritually abused by Jon. Why? I will speculate that they know this testimony damages their pure and peaceful church. (Please refer to the last TWW post for more info on the “pure and peaceful PCA church” thing.)
• And the session believes that everything is okey dokey, even though, at this point, they should know it is not.
• This is a disconcerting reply to Elisha and may indicate a circling of the wagons.
  

  ---

Response from elders

———- Forwarded message ———
From: Michael Royal
Date: Wed, Mar 1, 2023 at 9:15 AM
Subject: Christ Church Session | Grace and Peace
To: Elisha Boggs
Cc: Jon D Payne <

Dear Sister,

Greetings in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We pray that this letter might offer some comfort and peace to you as we try to address your concerns.

In those days John the Baptist came preaching in the wilderness of Judea, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said to them, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come?”

“Let your lives prove your change of heart.”“Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God.” Matthew 3:1-2, 7-8

Biblical repentance, as we understand it, is a change of mind and heart evidenced by the manifestation of a changed life.

The session at Christ Church is composed of five ruling elders and Pastor Jon as teaching elder. We are all married with children, and some with grandchildren. We have known Pastor Jon for many years and have served with him in overseeing and shepherding the congregation.

Every Lord’s Day, Pastor Jon leads the congregational prayer meeting, teaches adult Sunday school, and preaches God’s Word in both morning and evening worship services. Pastor Jon teaches a weekly Bible study to a large group of medical university students, a weekly men’s Bible study, and a monthly small group Bible study. In addition, he regularly writes congregational letters and articles.

Together we attend monthly elder meetings, quarterly presbytery meetings, and an annual week-long denominational assembly. Over the years we have spent a lot of time with Pastor Jon, including a considerable amount of personal time. All this to say that we know Pastor Jon very well. And, over the years, we have gotten to know and witness a loving and respectful relationship between Pastor Jon and the members of our congregation, and between him and his wife, and their two teenage children.

“The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore, an overseer must be above reproach…” ~ 1 Timothy 3:1-2

The first qualification for an elder/pastor is to be “above reproach.” Who has lived a life that could perfectly qualify? Only Jesus. Peter betrayed Jesus, but he was forgiven by Him and called to be a leader among the apostles in the early church (John 21:15-19). Later Peter was inspired by the Holy Spirit to write two epistles in the New Testament. No one but Jesus is “above reproach” in that he is faultless. The men of the Christ Church session would never claim to be faultless; but daily, we are seeking to be above reproach in our lives. And we would affirm Pastor Jon as one we believe is seeking daily to be above reproach in his life, work, and relationships. Again, this is what we’ve witnessed while working closely with him over these many years.

Beyond our personal knowledge, we would offer two other sources. It is required of every volunteer, employee, or member of the leadership team of Christ Church to undergo an extensive background check by a third-party organization. No one serves if they fail the background check. In addition to the background check, there has never been a hint of impropriety during Pastor Jon’s ten years at Christ Church, or over the thirteen years that he served in his two former churches.

Pastor Jon has expressed deep repentance and sincere remorse for not treating you with due honor and respect during the period when you were engaged and dating.
Unfortunately, this interval of time cannot be undone, but we believe Pastor Jon is sincere in his repentance, and in seeking your forgiveness.

Concerning your seeking knowledge of whether Jon’s present life is above reproach, and whether he is qualified to pastor, the session finds no fault in that. We have experienced great spiritual growth in our lives under his ministry and in shepherding the congregation with him. We offer all these things as evidence of a changed life of many years. As a session, we would humbly ask and encourage you to forgive Jon for past transgressions, as the Lord forgives us; that together we might live in harmony with one another as the redeemed of the Lord. For the sake of the healing of your own heart, and for the sake of Pastor Jon’s ministry, his dear family, and our congregation, we sincerely hope that you might find peace in forgiveness and comfort in our testimony of the Spirit’s change in Jon’s life.

“God has not dealt with us according to our sins or repaid us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love for those who fear Him.” Psalm 103:10-11

Sincerely in Christ,

The Elders of Christ Church Presbyterian
Rev. Jon D. Payne
Christ Church Presbyterian (PCA)
Charleston, South Carolina

Jon contacted Elisha to be sure she got the letter from the elders. In reality, I believe he wanted to ensure that her story wouldn’t find its way to the “soul-crushing and ruinous public square.” This probably refers to blogs like this. 😉

This reply is indicative of Jon’s clueless nature. This is not how to respond to a woman who has been abused. However, the essential part of this email is that Jon hopes her story won’t go public. “Well, hello, from this soul-crushing, ruinous platform of a blog!”

Jon doesn’t get that support of blogs and other social media platforms for abuse victims is soul-restoring. On those platforms, they find friends and advocates who can reassure them they are not alone and that they are believed, unlike some churches we know. The simple fact is that neither Jon nor his elders admitted any understanding of Elisha’s decades-long pain. How sad, uneducated, and unChristlike is that?

From: Jon Payne
Date: Mon, Mar 20, 2023 at 6:31 PM
Subject: Hope and Peace
To: Elisha Boggs

Elisha, Greetings from Charleston. I hope that you and your family are well, and I trust that you received the letter from our elders a few weeks ago (I was cc’d). I hope, in some small way, that the letter serves to show God’s faithfulness and sanctifying grace over these past twenty-six years.Thank you again for your kind expression of forgiveness in response to my letter of sincere apology. Yes, and thank you for bringing your stinging rebuke to me personally, as well as to our elders, and not to the soul-crushing and ruinous platforms of the public square.I remain prayerful and hopeful for an undeserved word of mercy and reconciling peace.Sincerely, Jon

---

Elisha’s husband, George, asks for intervention with two friends.

With the hope of using Matthew 18 positively, he hoped to bring two people who might speak the unvarnished truth about Elisha’s abuse. I have heard that they believe they will have a chance to speak the truth into the life of Jon so that he will realize the serious nature of Elisha’s concerns and maybe come to a deep awareness of the pain he has caused. From what I’ve read, he hasn’t done so yet.

Final thoughts

We will be updating this post in the near future. There will be more to this story… After reading, listening, and writing this post, the following is my opinion.

• I believe Elisha was sexually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually abused. I’ve been doing this for 14 years and was shocked at the examples of abuse that Elisha shared with us.
• Some of the abuse appears to be potentially criminal, but I am no expert, and I’m sure that is being explored.
• I guess that Jon and the elders have lawyered up.
• I wonder if Jon’s wife knows the extent of the assault on Elisha.
• I guess there is more to Jon’s life that has not been communicated to the elders.
• Jon and the elders are either seriously uneducated in how to speak to an abuse survivor, or they are knowingly contributing to the abuse of Elisha.
• Jon should step down from his pastorate and teaching positions to explore what genuine repentance looks like.

A final observation:

The following jumped out at me as I reviewed all of the documents given to me. Jon’s testimony is that his relationship with Marla began in Charleston when Jon was playing for the Battery and BEFORE he proposed and began abusing Elisha. Could this suggest that his strategy for addressing past patterns of spiritual and sexual abuse has been to conceal them rather than confess and repent them? Jon”s testimony is more consistent with Jon’s 1998 demand that Elisha never contact him in his new life. He appears to have gone on to his new life, having effectively disposed of Elisha. It seems he continued to pretend Elisha never existed, which, in my opinion, is a sign of further abuse and an attempt to present himself as something he is not. That doesn’t sound like repentance to me. Until all this is confessed, we must add “liar” to his other sins.

01.01.23 A short, relevant audio of Jon Payne discussing sin. 2023-06-30 Dr Jon Payne abuser of Elisha Boggs

A young blonde haired blue eyed girl with life all around her walked into your world. Your world of charisma, charm, talent, beauty, power, and significance. She had been a girl who came to your youth group and who was a part of your soccer club. She was just barely turning into a woman, just barely getting her feet underneath her. You took the little bit of ground that young twenty year old girl had gained and made it your ground.

Before you met her, her childhood had been traumatic and she struggled to get to where she was. She had to work hard for every little bit she had. She’d finally found her voice, little though it was – she’d even reached that place of understanding her need for something greater than herself to guide her. You took that too.

She’d started to write. People listened to her. She spoke out and had a mind to say what she thought. She’d asked professors questions they didn’t know how to answer. She confronted them about their ideas she disagreed with. She had confronted a friend. Then another. She’d made friends with people not like herself. She worked in the athletic department and wrote stories for the paper. She wasn’t sure how she would do it, but she’d decided NOT to teach. She had decided she could make it as a journalist. She was majoring in communications. She understood that meant networking. She did it. She was busy at basketball games. She was in touch with newspapers and magazines. She was getting to know her professors and learn from them. She was fascinated by it all and intrigued and nervous and trying her hardest to gain ground. That little voice she had found. That thinking for herself she finally felt – that beauty in the differences around her, she knew to be true and she was building on that. It wasn’t all about her hair and eyes and legs and sweetness. It was about her mind and her ideas and her faith and her determination and strength.

But you took that girl off her bike (literally-when you proposed) with the breeze to her back and the future before her and locked her down with a diamond and your overpowering personality. That charisma you had. That passion you had. That beauty you had. That power you had. With that, you took and broke her.

You took the budding bloom and plucked her to be all your own. You forced her open, pushing pedals down and out and around and telling her to be the flower she was supposed to be while pushing and plucking and prancing her about you.

She changed her degree to education. She changed her dreams to fit yours. She changed her voice to a nod that only went north and south. There was no east, there was no west, there was no turning left or right. Her adventurous spirit was forced into a tunnel. Your tunnel.

She changed her priorities, her passions, her discretions, her ideals, her purity, her mind. She changed her volume that was just now audible to silent. She changed her belief in God to a belief in a theology that you prescribed. She grew sad. She grew confused. She grew lost in your shuffle.

You had her masterbate you while telling her not to kiss you after demeaning her and telling that beautiful, strong precious girl that you were repulsed by her and that she wasn’t smart enough or religious enough for you. You even held her against a desk and then against a wall to do what you wanted to her before charging off to seminary classes.

Then you took that girl and tossed her out. But that isn’t how this story ends. That tossed out shattered girl stood up 12 hours later. She didn’t have a choice. She tried to brush off the dirt, and pick up the pieces shattered all around her and put it back together. She stood alone now. Completely alone.

She left her hometown to get away from all the places you’d taken from her and covered in your sour scent. She thought she could stay away from men and that would keep her from facing the demons you left her with. She thought she could do education because that is what she was stuck in.

But she couldn’t finish it, because now, she had been in school a year longer because of you and it was another reminder that you had held her back, held her down, kept her locked up. She needed to fly. But all of her networking was cut off and she left school with no network and no certificate and still no voice. She had to try and rebuild yet again.

She did rebuild, but she still carried the shame at what you had done. Shame at what you had forced her to do. Shame at the realization that you had smeared her, smothered her and sucked from her. You took a twenty year old pure girl and sexualized her without her consent.

You asked her to marry you because you thought that was what would be good for you. You asked a 20 year old girl, when she had barely left your youth group, to be your wife and then you spent the next eight months sexually, physically, mentally, and emotionaly abusing that girl.

That girl is me.

You took from me my voice, my purity, my vision, my strength, my dignity, my confidence. You told me to never talk to you again. How pompous and proud you are that you thought that would fix everything. You thought you could make a different life for yourself and not even look back at the disaster you made. It took twenty five years for me to be able to say what you did to me. For 25 years that shame wreaked havoc on my life.

So, I am talking. I am talking to you. I am telling you that what you did was disastrous and wrong and a man like you has no right to stand up in front of a congregation and preach about purity and duplicity and reform when you shamelessly shamed a young girl for your sexual pleasure while telling her and those around you how wrong their beliefs were and how pure they should live.

I write this to get back my voice, to get back my strength, to get back what you took from me and to tell you what you did was wrong, evil, destructive, abusive – sinful.

I married an amazing man and I do have a family. I have four beautiful children and a wildly wonderful adventurous life. But, I walked into marriage thinking I was okay, but you had my voice, you had my strength, you had my dignity. I constantly struggled until I finally couldn’t hold on any more.

I walked into marriage without a voice – because you took it. I didn’t know how to ask or talk about sex at all because you silenced that in me. You took that from me. I was afraid of partnership with my husband because you told me I wasn’t worthy, I wasn’t good enough or smart enough to be a partner. You took me – the girl that you asked to be your partner and ground her into the dirt with your heel.

As a pastor who seems to specialize in the need for the church to walk in sexual purity, you must understand that the church is plagued with sexual impurity and abuse and that those who have struggled with abuse, are covered in shame and often act out that shame later in their life. If this is a new concept for you, I strongly encourage you to shut your mouth the next time you feel like you should speak out against sexual issues. First, because you have no right to speak about them. Second, you don’t even know the half of what a sexually abused victim is experiencing.

You created a sexual abuse victim. Me. What you did to me was blanket me in shame. Shame will win and it did. As I dealt with the fallout from that, I finally told my husband two months ago. When I let it out – the shame was gone. Suddenly, I was not a lost girl unable to understand why I didn’t understand my husband’s love and even God’s love. Once that was gone, I knew how much God loved me. I knew how much my husband loved me. I could feel my heart heal – I could physically feel it heal!

And that voice you took. I’m taking it back. You can’t tell me to never speak to you again. I will. Hear my voice say what you did to me. You sexually abused me. You mentally abused me. You emotionally abused me. You spiritually abused me. And, Jon, you even physically abused me. You took away my innocence. You took away my time. You took away tenderness. You took away my joy. You robbed me of the purity you preach about. You took away the chance for me to be overjoyed in my lover – my husband. Instead I lived suspicious and confused by his love. You robbed me of a chance to be a healthy partner in a relationship.

I give you back the memories seared in my mind – my nightmares for 25 years.

1. We were walking down the hallway at my grandparents, where you lived. I gave you a place to live and you used that place to violate me and to violate my family. As we walked down the hall, you turned on me, without saying anything, grabbed my shoulders and pinned me to the wall. You held me there and aggressively kissed me. I was stuck. You let go and kept walking and didn’t say anything.

I was at a desk in a back room at my grandparents house, where you were living. I was there cleaning because that was how I “paid” for you to stay at my grandparents. How demeaning Jon. I was wearing gray sweatpants and Adidas flops. You came up from behind me and without any words, you put you hand down my pants and stuck you finger directly inside of me. I couldn’t move. There was nothing leading up to it. There was nothing romantic about it. I stood there unable to move. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to feel. This had never happened to me before. It felt good and it wasn’t what I wanted all at the same time. I was confused because you were my fiance but it wasn’t mutual.

We were at a family’s home. It was a family that you were close to from the OPC church. You had been excited about me meeting them. I do not remember if I had met them before or if this was the first meeting. I do know that we decided to watch a movie. We were on the couch with a child from the family. I was sitting to the left of you. You were sitting in the middle. You put a blanket over us. While we were watching the movie, you took my hand and put it on his genitals. You used my hand to grope yourself. You grew hard. I had not felt someone hard before and I didn’t know what to do. I was frozen. We were in a room with a family watching a movie and you had my hand on you genitals. I did not know what to do. I couldn’t move. We were in a room with other people. I was confused and I felt trapped. You used the situation to keep me silent and keep me from being able to do anything except exactly what you wanted.

We were at a retreat with the Charlotte Eagles. Somewhere in the mountains. It was the fall of 1997. We were sitting on a picnic table and you instigated a conversation about our physical interaction. I was relieved that you felt that we needed to back off of the intensity and that by not kissing this would help us not cross boundaries. The relief was quickly erased when you took my hand at the end of the conversation and stroked your genitals with it. Now there was no kissing, no contact except my hand on your genitals. We were in public. It was silent. I was completely confused and silenced by this.

I do not remember the first time it happened, but I remember being in you room at the house where you lived with other guys. We were sitting on the floor. I was upset. You had my hand on his genitals and began to undo your pants. I turned my head because I didn’t want to see anything thinking at least not seeing it until marriage was the way through this. You began to move my hand on your penis. You taught me at that point how to masturbate you. No words, only you moving your hand over my hand until you ejaculated. It was very quick. No lubricants. No longer than 30 seconds. No other physical contact. I remember wiping my hand off on something and leaving shortly after. No discussion happened over what had happened

We were on an airplane flying to see his family for Thanksgiving. We were no longer engaged, but “dating”. You put a blanket over yourself. You took my hand and placed it on your genitals. There was someone sitting to the right of you. You were in the middle. I

was on the aisle seat. In silence, you used my hand to massage your genitals while we sat in silence. We were not even engaged anymore.

At your parent’s home in California: I was in a room at the top of the stairs. It was a small room that wasn’t really a bedroom, but it had been made into one. This is where I was staying while we visited your parents. We were no longer engaged, but we had already planned the trip, so we went. I was in my room. You came in and I remember I was sad. We talked and I grew sadder as was often the case. We were sitting on the edge of the bed. We did not kiss anymore because you had decided that months ago. As was now the pattern, you would take my hand, put it on your genitals and began massaging yourself. I turned away. You undid your pants, put my hand on your erect penis. At this point, I knew the drill. Masterbate you and it would be over. With no lubrication, no other touch, both fully clothed, I masterbated you while looking away. There was no asking. There was no discussion. There was only silence. you ejaculated quickly and then left the room.

The night that you told me we were done for good, you took me into the living room in the house where you lived. We were sitting on the floor. We had not kissed since you decided that we would not kiss, but the masturbating had continued. We did kiss that night because you were acting very thoughtful and kind and I was sure you were going to tell me we were going to move forward with our life together. This moved to moving my hand onto your genitals. You undid your pants and you masturbated yourself with my hand. Then he told me we were done.

Two months later, you told me you were getting married and to never speak to you again.

Elisha Swett Elisha Boggs

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