Stop the BS: Anne Turner’s letter to the parish is “a bunch of trash”

Editor Eric Bonetti is out this week, continuing plans to donate a kidney. Our deputy editor is in charge and wrote this article.

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Someone recently asked me why I haven’t posted much on Anglican Watch lately. I don’t really know the answer to that question, but a big part of it is workload, my frustration with our politics, and a feeling of deja vu. As in, “How many times does the institutional church have to prove it has no connection with Jesus before it’s willing to change?”

Fortunately, a solution to my lack of words came.

It came in the form of outrage over Anne Turner’s return after being suspended for a year for an adulterous affair. While I previously posted the reasons I am dismayed that Anne returned, my already bad mood got a whole lot worse after reading her weekly Epistle to the Malmites aka members of Grace Church.

Before we go further, I should tell you that I am very familiar with the parish and Northern Virginia. In my teens, I lived for several years in the area, moved away for college, and then did seminary at VTS. During seminary, I met Bob Malm and immediately loathed his facially obvious narcissism and manipulation.

In addition, two people with whom I am close remain members of the parish; they survive the toxic miasma by keeping a low profile, listening, and saying little.

About that letter

Anne’s letter, included with this post, is so bad it’s hard to know where to begin. But I’ll try.

Problems first appear in the second paragraph, when Anne invites people to a healthy, direct conversation about any concerns or questions they might have. That’s pretty rich, coming from a priest who lies to her parishioners, her family, and others about the road trips associated with her affair. She called them “spiritual retreats,” but they were nothing of the sort.

Moreover, Anne is famous for passive-aggressive silence when she doesn’t care for the question. For example, when my friend Mike Smith asked to attend the funeral at Grace of a parishioner with whom he was friends, Anne ignored him. That’s spineless and in no way reflects Jesus or love for others.

In other words, Anne is a model of toxic communication.

Yet now we’re supposed to stroll over to Anne and ask, “How long was your affair?” and questions of that sort?

My reaction might have been different if I hadn’t seen multiple occasions on which Anne, like our precious little snowflake Bob Malm, pushed people out of the church because they hurt her poor widdle feelings. And now I am supposed to believe she’s changed? Not bloody likely.

Whadya mean, “Our experience?”

Then, we get to the part in Anne’s letter where she talks about “our experience.” That’s a problem because, simply put, she doesn’t get to lump herself in with the victims of her misconduct. That is particularly the case when there is no evidence to suggest that she’s apologized, taken responsibility, or otherwise taken steps to fix the hurt and trauma caused by her misconduct, including her affair, her lies, and her possible wage theft.

In other words, Anne doesn’t get to act like a selfish ass, then jump right back in bed with us. (No pun intended.)

Anne’s vulnerability and exposure

Then Anne starts with the narcissistic efforts to make others feel sorry for her by telling us that she feels vulnerable and exposed, conveniently omitting that it was her actions that put her in that position.

It’s also alarming that Anne apparently is just now figuring out that, as clergy, we live our lives under constant scrutiny.

For me, that means that, on those rare occasions that I get a date, I usually try to go somewhere that offers a little privacy. But even then, I have to remember that I can and do run into parishioners, often far from home. (I once spent a five hour layover at the Atlanta airport with a parishioner. We had lunch, and it was a wonderful experience, but you can imagine my surprise when I stepped off the passenger shuttle and right into the arms of someone from the parish.) So, no matter where we go, we know that our behavior reflects on others.

Relatedly, even the more private aspects of my life need to pass the sniff test. (Now you know the origins of my nickname.) For example, if I have a breakup or other difficult conversation, I still have to act with dignity and grace, even if the other person doesn’t deserve it.

So, Anne should have figured out long ago that our lives are open to scrutiny. Nor is that a bad thing—all clergy need people in their parishes willing to hold us accountable, and I am no exception.

Indeed, the fact that Anne doesn’t appear to understand this basic aspect of clergy life makes me wonder if there are larger mental health issues afoot. Her comments just appear strangely disconnected from the basic reality of life within the church.

Speaking of, I have additional concerns about whether Anne really understands what it means to be a priest.

In her letter, she talks about being confident in her abilities. But the biggest requirement of the job is to live the Gospel, and on that score, Anne scores an F so far. In other words, contrary to what perjuring priest Bob Malm would tell you, it’s not all about looking like a priest, dressing like a priest, saying the right words at the right times, or offering great sermons. It’s about helping others on their walk, and so far, Anne’s conduct has been a hinderance to others, not a help.

Grace needs to change its behavior

Next, we come to Anne’s references to lessons learned from the past year and the need for the church to change direction.

At first blush, that all sounds good. But read Anne’s exact words:

“This community has paid a price this year. And yet, I believe that the painful cost of this year makes Grace Church a credible witness to the gospel. We can speak with an authority that few other communities have. When we talk about grace here, we mean it. We are willing to do the hard work necessary to live together in a way that is marked by God’s mercy and unconditional love.”

Few other communities?

For the record, it is relatively common for clergy to get defrocked altogether for extramarital affairs, although it doesn’t happen nearly often enough.

As for hard work, Anne talks a good game. But is she willing to change her ways? Will she model healthy behavior by responding to all conversations, not just the pleasant ones? Or will she continue to play passive-aggressive games while decreeing that many of Grace’s problems happened before she came on board?

Doubtful. Indeed, I don’t see that Anne’s taking responsibility for her conduct, even now.

Nor is Anne modeling a Christian approach to grace. Such an approach requires sincere repentance, amendment of life, apology, restitution, and concern for those hurt.

Yet when I look at specific opportunities for repentance available to Anne, she does not pursue any of them.

Consider my friend Mike Smith, who wrote to Anne seeking permission to attend a friend’s funeral at Grace. No one has ever accused Mike of doing anything wrong, yet Anne couldn’t even be bothered to answer. That is not behavior that reflects compassion, care, or God’s love. It’s not even remotely Christian, and it’s passive-aggressive in the worst sense of the phrase. The lack of a response indicates an indifference to the needs of others, and an unwillingness to address the deep sin of recent years in the parish.

Now, Mike has a heart transplant and is in end-stage renal failure. In other words, this is a good time for Anne to repent of sins involving things done and left undone.

Will she do so?

I doubt it. Yet she’ll try to fuzz and blur her way out of things by telling people what they want to hear and keeping a low profile until she is more firmly situated within her sinecure. That includes lots of New Age babble about peace, love, and solar eclipses.

That said, Anne is welcome to use the email form on this publication to contact us. I’ll be happy to put her in touch with Mike,

Game on, Anne. Time to walk the talk. We’re watching. Show us your letters aren’t empty babble.

Tell our story? Please don’t

Then we come to Anne’s bit about the church telling its story. All I can say is, please don’t. Many of us with ties to the parish already know the church’s story, which is one of corruption, arrogance, and personal/organizational narcissism.

Indeed, the church tells its story in ways large and small every day. Whether it’s a warm greeting in the parking lot, or the childish and hateful mean girl/boy games and gossip of people like Alison Campbell, Leslie Steffensen, Lisa Medley, Jan Spence, Kemp Williams, Teresa Preston, Kelly Gable, or the perjury and criminal conduct of people like Bob Malm and Jeff Chiow, folks at Grace have told me their story. They’ve done so repeatedly, consistently, and loudly, and I believe them.

The church needs to forget about storytelling and start learning about real repentance and grace. If it does the latter, it may have an opportunity to tell a new story, one that involves the Christian faith.

It is only when we name the sin in our lives and repent of that sin that we can move to those next steps that Anne articulates, including “compassion, forgiveness, connection, and healing.” Indeed, it is fundamental to our faith that, as Christians, we are called to bring light to the darkness. That is not the same as saying, “That may be too traumatic to discuss,” or “that’s too controversial.” We’re called to stand in those difficult spaces and have those tough conversations.

That brings up a related question: In the past, Anne has been willing to push people out who she finds threatening. But is she willing to say to someone—let’s say Jeff Chiow—“You are not ready to serve on the vestry again until you repent of your lies, false legal pleadings, and efforts to bully the dying?”

Of course, that would be helpful for everyone involved, including Jeff. But is she willing to lower the boom on egregious misconduct of this sort, even though the parish will die if behavior like this continues?

I think not. Nothing I have seen suggests that Anne has the backbone or integrity to act.

Of course, I could be wrong. In fact, I’d be happy to be incorrect. But somehow, I don’t think we’ll see Anne say, “I’d welcome the chance to discuss your concerns.” Or an email to Mike Smith repenting of her childish, passive-aggressive behavior.

Cheap grace abounds

I am also troubled by Anne’s implicit assumption in her letter that people will forgive her.

To be clear, Anne’s affair is an egregious form of abuse. It’s an abuse of trust and a violation of her ordination vows. And it models sh***, narcissistic attention to Anne’s perceived needs while ignoring the needs of others.

In situations in which abuse occurs, as happened here, victims are not obligated to forgive. They may choose to do so. They may not be able to do so. In any event, it is not our place to tell victims what to do.

I also note that, for victims of past relational and other forms of abuse, Anne’s betrayal has likely caused profound unseen trauma. We cannot forget these issues, nor can we pretend they don’t exist. But Anne appears to be trying to do exactly that, blissfully indifferent to the pain of others.

So, I am sticking to my guns. If Anne is sincere about repenting of her misconduct, an apology is already past due. From there, we move to reparations and other evidence that she is prepared to model a Christian understanding of forgiveness.

And let’s not forget: This is a parish that paid a severance package to an adulterer. How does that work? When did our hard-earned money go to rewarding misconduct?

Any church that can afford to pay severance packages to adulterers and then welcome them back without even so much as an apology neither needs nor deserves our time, talent, or treasure. Instead, both Grace and Anne Turner are toxic stains on the reputation of the church.

As for whining and wailing by parishioners about Anne’s absence for a year and how it inconvenienced them, spare me.

Believe it or not, the Christian faith is not all about meeting your needs and desires.

Many thanks to Cynthia Puskar for the phrase, “A bunch of trash,” which so aptly describes the situation at this narcissistic, toxic, and clueless church.